A Prayer

1 Corinthians 1:30 But of him, you are in Christ Jesus, who was made to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption

If I have this wisdom already inside of me, why can't I grasp it? Why can't I seem to find it? October 7, 2008 - a thought, either from God, or from me, passed through my mind. This thought was about something I was to gain, something I wanted, and something that I was apparently going to receive.

But how do I know if it was God speaking to me? I do not doubt that I hear His voice. He has grown me up so much, just in the past week but...this? It's too good. It's too unbelievable. It's too wonderful for me to hope for.

That doesn't even make sense! God loves me. He wants to give me blessings, gifts that will make me happy. Why can't I believe Him in this?

Because I am afraid. I am afraid to believe it, and then discover it not to be true. I would be so broken. But again, I'm not making sense. God can heal any brokenness.

I wish I was better. I wish I was wise enough to discern God's voice from my own flesh. I wish I was braver to trust Him with all things.

Lord God, bend Your ear, and heed Your daughter. Forgive me for being too afraid to trust You. I love You, and I want what You want for my life. Please, my Abba, my Love, grant me wisdom. I desperately need to hear from You again. Do not forsake me. Speak to me. Strip me of anything that is not of You. Break me. Mold me. Shape me.

Thank You. Thank You for answering my prayer. Thank You for healing, and wisdom, and love. I will glorify Your name for eternity.
With love,
Alexandra

First of Many Random Stream of Conciousness Rambles

Well, Grace isn't here to help me so I have no idea how to organize my blog. Why is it she's my room-mate but I can never find her when I need her? I guess it will just have to look horrid for a little while. Of course, it doesn't help that everyone with my phone service provider has had their phones glitching all day. Fun times.

Actually, I had a pretty great day. I gave my testimony at D-group, and I think I got out all that I needed to say. I hope so anyway. I mean, no one fell on the floor, sobbing, saying that they really needed to hear whatever I had just said but...that would probably be a little drastic to expect. Laura, one of my D-group leaders, kept going on and on about how great it was, and it made me uncomfortable. I don't know why. Maybe because I felt like she was giving me the credit, when...well, it was God's testimony, not mine. That's why I posted all my spiritual allegories first thing. I have no idea who will read them, or if anyone will, but I suppose that's all right.

I will write an explanation for each of them soon...well, I say soon. I've got a Japanese test on Monday, and a Psychology paper due on Tuesday, and a webpage due on Thursday so....yeah, it may be a while. Scratch that thought. It will be a while. At least a week probably. I really want to go in depth about it, share where I was, what God was doing in my life, when I wrote them, so I need to take my time on them. Well, I've got to go wash my hair, which is quite an ordeal - I'm Irish, and then hopefully by the grace of God, go to bed EARLY! I've been trying to go to bed early all week, and somehow it just hasn't happened. I'm running low on energy, and brain...er, funtion...ality....

Making up words...Yup, time to go.

No Longer a Cub

The lioness heard the black panther’s soft foot falls before she saw her red eyes, gleaming in the darkness that surrounded them both. She had taken what shelter she could under a small overhanging of rock, but the wind and rain still stung her eyes and paws no matter how closely she clung to it. The storm had begun almost as soon as He had left, just as He told her it would. And now, she was here. Thorn.

“Well, little cub, what are you doing caught out in such a storm? “ she hissed with laughter. The lioness stood, and her eyes, the same golden hue of His, shone through the darkness.

“He has asked me to wait for Him, and so I shall,” she answered in a growl. The panther drew closer, her red eyes widened in amusement.

“And did He tell you, how long you must wait for Him? How long you must endure this storm?” she asked. Something inside the lioness’ heart wavered, and Thorn noticed. The panther drew closer, her tail twitching rapidly.

“No,” she answered. Her voice was not as strong now, and trembled. Her eyes fell from Thorn’s unrelenting gaze, and she heard her hiss in delight. The panther drew closer, her fangs bared.

“And wherever is your dear Protector?”

“He is with me, as always,” she answered back stronger. The panther only laughed at her, and continued her advance. She could barely contain her excitement. She had drawn blood from the lioness before, when she had strayed from His side, and every time, it was sweeter.

“Of course, but...oh, you cannot see Him, can you? And you cannot hear Him, can you? And you cannot feel Him, can you? How ironic, the differences between Him, and I. Shall I name them off for you, little cub?” she snarled. The panther drew closer, drawing back one paw, ready for the first strike.

“No,” the lioness roared. Caught off guard, the panther jumped back, and braced herself. The lioness advanced, and the panther tripped over her own paws, in her effort to escape the lioness’ range. But the lioness stopped, just outside her shelter. The wind rang in her ears. The rain stung her eyes. The cold bit at her paws. The darkness would have been undisturbed...if not for the light, His light, shining from her.

“No, I shall name the differences between you, Thorn, and Him. He died and rose to give me life, while you try again and again to take it away. He is faithful to restore me, while you try to leave me ruined and empty. He loves me, fully and completely, and you hate me. But try as you will, you will not destroy me,” she roared. The panther roared back, and leapt to her paws. Within a moment, her fangs were an inch from the lioness’ throat. The lioness had not flinched, and now looked at her with such fury, that the panther’s red eyes couldn’t meet their gaze.

“I...can hurt you,” she snarled. Her voice was quieter, as though she needed to convince herself. The lioness smiled.

“Oh yes, you can, Thorn. Go ahead. Curse me. I will not be crushed beneath it. Oppress me. I will not be driven to despair. Mock me. I will never be forsaken. Strike me. I will not be destroyed. No, not by anyone. I am His. You cannot touch me,” she whispered. The panther drew away, farther into the storm.

“You...you will wait for Him here? In this tortuous place? Why?” she called over the wind. Her eyes, now barely visible, were wide with fear and uncertainty. The lioness smiled, and the light shone all the brighter around her.

“Because I love Him.”

Letting Go

“It was an accident!” the little girl choked. Her sobs were quickly drowned out by the black panther’s laughter.

“Go away!” she pleaded. She was clutching at her forearm. Long bloody marks covered her soft skin, and she trembled as the blood dripped slowly on her lap and feet. The panther circled around the child like a vulture, and her lips curled back in a vicious smile. The child trembled more at the sight of her fangs.

“He warned you about those flowers, didn’t He? Told you only to look and not to touch, and now you know why, don’t you?” the panther hissed. More tears slid down from the child’s red and swollen eyes.

“I just thought...I thought...” she stammered with quivering lips.

“You thought what? You thought you could pick it without His help? You really thought you could do anything without Him?” the panther interrupted with a growl. The child tried to open her mouth to speak but she choked. The panther laughed again, high and cruel, and the blood poured more freely from the child’s wound.

“Liar! You knew better!” she hissed.

The child only whimpered.

“Wretch! You disobeyed Him!”

The child only whimpered.

“Traitor! You ran from Him!”

“Enough.”

The Lion had not spoken loudly, but at the sound of His voice, the panther leaped in fright. However, she did not back away from the child. The Lion’s deep golden eyes scanned the child and panther slowly, and for a while, only the child’s crying could be heard.

“Come here, Little One,” the Lion said, barely above a whisper. She stood and shuffled over to Him. Staring at her feet, she tried to hide her arm behind her back. The Lion frowned.

“Let me see your arm,” He commanded. His voice was more firm this time. With a sob, she held out her right arm, and He sighed sadly.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- ”

“I know, child; I know. I have already forgiven you, see?” he said. He held out His right front paw, and scars lined His honey colored fur, identical to her own wounds. The panther recoiled, as if in disgust, and her fur stood on end.

“But then why have your wounds not healed?” He asked. There was anger in His voice now.

“I knew better! I disobeyed You! I betrayed - ”

“Silence!”

His roar shook the ground and the trees and rocks groaned. The child looked at the Lion and He was terrifying. His sharp teeth were bared. His deadly claws dug into the earth in fury. His golden eyes burned with rage...but they did not look at her. The panther was crouched so low to the ground, her belly was pressed against the dirt like a snake.

“How dare you come near My daughter!” the Lion roared. The panther cringed, but this time, she did not recoil. Instead, her narrow red eyes peered at the whimpering child and her lips curled into a sickening smile.

“I stay, only because she allows me,” she answered. The Lion frowned and looked back at the child. She lifted her eyes to His, and saw the unchanging love she had so quickly forgotten. Throwing her tiny arms around His neck, she buried her face in His mane.

“Abba, please make her go away,” she asked. The panther’s red eyes widened as the Lion bared His mighty fangs again. With one last echoing roar, the panther scrambled away into the shadows. The Lion’s warmth filled the child, and she looked back at the skin on her right arm. It was flawless.

“She will come back?” the child asked, her tears dried by the softness of His mane. His golden eyes darkened, and He nodded. She shivered and her tiny hand clutched at His mane. He pressed his cool, pink nose against her cheek, and His breath washed over her like rain on parched earth.

“There will come a day, child, when she will never return, but until that day, know this...she will not take you from Me. No one can. You are mine, and I will remain by your side through every age of time. Never will I leave you,” He whispered gently in her ear. He drew away, so that He could look into her eyes.

“Do you know why, My Little One?” He asked. She smiled brightly, the shame of the panther’s words gone from her.

“Because You love me,” she answered. Her voice no longer trembled.

The Sweetest Lullaby

It wasn't working. The slamming doors, the distant music, the rattling air conditioner, and that clock. It was the worst of all. That never ending, constant, unwavering tick. How could anyone expect to calm their nerves enough to sleep with such a poorly orchestrated symphony of endless noise.

"Listen" His voice said so quietly she barely noticed.

Listen? Listen! She had been listening! Listening so closely, the idea of a peaceful night's sleep was as far from her as the moon streaming unwanted light through her window.

"Listen" He said again, more clearly this time.

Fine. Fine. She would listen, but with as much obstinance as she could muster. But she would listen.

- A door slammed.

- The clock ticked.

- Distant music echoed.

- The clock ticked.

- The air conditioner rattled.

- The clock ticked.

- The clock ticked.

- The clock ticked.

- "That is how I love you."

- "That is how I love you."

- "That is how I love you."

And with the sweetest lullaby she had ever heard, sleep took her.

The Great Comforter

She stood. But she stood trembling. Trembling so violently she might have collapsed if not for her tiny fingers grasping His mane.

"So this is it?" she whispered. Her voice was frail, but He heard.

"Yes, Little One. This is the path I have chosen for you," He replied. She only nodded, her voice choked, with a fear she was ashamed of. Mist thick with an unknown future clouded all but a few feet before her. She grasped the Lion's mane tighter. He didn't flinch. She longed to ask Him; her soul seemed to cry out within her, but her lips remained still as death.

- Would this path be as hard, as scarring as the last? -

"Little One," He called to her softly, "look behind you."
She turned slowly, unwillingly. Tears soon distorted her vision, but she remembered. She remembered.

"When you fell, did I leave you for dead?"

She shook her head.

"Turn back around, Little One."

She obeyed.

"Do you believe if you fall again, I will leave you?"

She shook her head.

"Why, Little One, do you believe that?"

He waited patiently, until her fearful sobs no longer choked her voice.

"Because You love me."

The Lion nodded.

"Yes, my most precious Little One. I love you. Now hold on tightly."
So the child caught hold of the golden mane once more, and took her first few steps, the Lion's paws right beside her.